Top 5 Best Side Bitches (Characters) of 2017- Video Game Edition

Updated: Dec 23, 2017



You know they say life is hard as a Side Bitch... I mean NPC, but it need not always be so. Indeed, many strong video games feature indispensable non-player characters, some of which impact the plotline to such a degree that they merit the coveted title of “side character.”

I know what you’re thinking - who wants to be a side anything? Well, it’s better than being the guy that says “took an arrow to the knee” isn’t it? Here are 5 side characters from video games released in 2017 that are absolutely indispensable to the way the game turns out.


5. The Old Man - The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild


First impressions are critical, so the old adage goes. And Breath of the Wild was the Nintendo Switch’s first impressions deluxe. It demonstrated everything the system could do, all while in the guise of an immediately recognizable and relatable longtime hero, Link. To start your quest, you walk down a hill and immediately encounter some strange old dude under a tent. Of course, like all such side characters, he starts telling you what you need to do and where and like any good video game hero you blindly obey because obviously old men that just sit around ruins teeming with moblins have your best interests always first at hand, right?

Well, in this case, yes, but it isn’t helped by being plunged into a desolate world, hearing voices, and the only other person you encounter is this strange guy telling you to go spelunking in ruins in return for an item you desperately need.

There’s more to this guy than meets the eye (or more to him than just introducing gameplay concepts) and that’s why he merits a spot on this list. The might may have fallen, but at least they can secure a spot here.


4. Cappie - Super Mario Odyssey


It’s amazing how much variation a simple hat toss could give the iconic plumber. The star of Nintendo’s flagship series has never had so many varied abilities, and all because of a hat. Cappie adds so much in terms of gameplay that it’s kind of amazing to think Nintendo never thought of it before Super Mario Odyssey.

By the end of the game, you’ll even begin to wonder if Cappie will join the recurrent roster of characters like Yoshi did after Super Mario World for the SNES. Mario games have never been heavy on lore, but Cappie adds enough to warrant a continued appearance and a spot on this list.

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Now, things are about to get weird, kinda like using your other hand that you never use to masterbate with.

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3.Irene Engel - Wolfenstein II

There’s so much going on with this character. You’re immediately introduced to her in the gut-wrenching opening of Wolfenstein II and she becomes a semi-recurrent character throughout the game, exploring the darker side of Nazi racism and ideology but in a way that’s often masks subtle commentary about the people who hold such beliefs.

Being the daughter of Frau Engel is bad enough, but the continual humiliation Irene is subjected to during the narrative, as well as her transformation, easily earn her a place on this list.


2. King Dice - Cuphead


There’s something so cool about the Devil’s right-hand man in Cuphead, the breakout shooter hit that’s blazed across multiple consoles. Sporting a 1930’s animation look, with all of its attendant issues, Cuphead is a mesmerizing game and King Dice is a captivating bad guy. I know, I know, the Devil is the main man, but you have to admit - King Dice is way cooler. Here’s to a Cuphead sequel that features this villainous side character as the main attraction.


1. The Baker Family (Collectively) - Resident Evil 7


Why two bad guys on top? Because bad guys are interesting, and few more so than the Baker family from Resident Evil 7. Think Deliverance and The Saw mixed with a little bit of Friday the 13th and food safety hazards and you have the most terrifyingly backwoods family this side of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films.


The Baker family and their decrepit plantation provide much of the setting of Resident Evil 7, a game that saw the series return to its horror roots. But not its B-horror roots, oh no, RE7 went for true horror, the kind that makes you wary of driving anywhere dark or rural or some combination of both.


Featuring a semi-reboot of the mainline plot, Resident Evil 7 easily earns its credentials and the Baker family helps see them across the goalline in every way. It would be difficult to pick one above the rest as it would be difficult to say one member of a band was superior in contribution to all the rest so please don’t take their nomination as a unit as a cop out. They all earned it, and one play through of the game will demonstrate this.

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Well, there you go! What are your thoughts? Was I wrong or right?

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